Five months ago he died and they just now decide to spread his ashes. I guess in some cultures it makes sense, I think it is just a way to spread out the sympathy that the wicked ex-stepmother needs to survive in this world. Thinking she slapped me that final blow she has picked this weekend to go out on a boat and spread his ashes into the water. However she felt that only her family should be told and none of his children or his family should be invited to this little event, once again attempting to cut us out in his death the same way that she did in life. (like I wouldn’t find out.. she is so stupid) I think it’s funny how she thinks we actually gave a damn beyond a little annoyance, that same kind that you get when you have a fly buzzing around your head. Now had she stopped to realize that we said our goodbyes five months ago and have since moved on to living again instead of burying our heads in bottles of pills and booze and holding on to the mistaken belief that people actually give a damn about her. Do I miss my father? I miss knowing he was alive and walking around on this earth but in reality he made it hard to get attached to him. When I was little I lived in his pocket, I wanted to grow up and be like him. God I loved him so much! I would have done anything for him, I wanted so badly to make him proud. But after years of being pulled close to be slapped down by his b!tch and his cowardly nature you have to learn to stand on your own feet and while you still hunger for that love and acceptance you have to come to terms with the fact that you are chasing a fool’s dream. Had we been less independent, had we kissed the b!tche’s butt, had we given up our dreams and pretended that she was God we would have been allowed around him. But what kind of life would that have been? I would much rather have been a failure in his eyes then to bow down and submit to the likes of her. To never have had a father or mother’s love is one of the hardest things to live with, it makes you feel as though there is something wrong with you, something tainted that makes you a castaway. But to be honest I would rather live without love then live an empty life with no meaning at all. There are those moments when it still gets to me, knowing that I will never know what it is like to hear that he loved me or I made him proud. But then I wipe my eyes and remember that life goes on and it probably wouldn't feel any different anyway. As for this weekend… I kind of feel sorry for the animals/fish out there though cause knowing my father he will get his revenge on humanity by poisoning the fish and then having us eat it! I am not eating any fresh fish for at least a year now. :P

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