I had 2 days of well what is as close to peaceful as I can get but today the nightmares are back and they are so real again. What did I do to deserve this? Why does everyone always tell me how worthless I am? I wish I could get over this, make all this pain go away. I try, each time I wake up I try but I am being tortured to the point where I just want to wrap the darkness around me and not get up or try anymore. I have looked for help, looked for understanding. Hell I have pretty much begged for it but maybe I am not getting the responses because I don't deserve it? Maybe work was right... maybe I am not worth anything. What made me think I had the right to get help? This is all I am good for! I was born to be something but I messed that all up! Maybe once I come to terms with the fact my job in life is to be a punching bag, scapegoat, nothing then it will be easier. Maybe it was all my fault, maybe if I had just said no when I was 3 I would have been worth something to someone? But I didn't and that was my fault, I let him use me, I let them use me! I could have said no at anytime but I thought it was a game, I thought it was love. Why would anyone want to keep someone as disgusting as me around once they knew what I really was? I should have kept my mouth shut, and kept my secret, then they might not have fired me. I deserved everything I got! I am weak, dirty, damaged. Now is the time for fake smiles and fake laughs again. Im done trying, im done fighting. It is only a matter of time. I am too tired, I am just not worth fighting for and the sooner I comes to terms with that the better. SO I am just going to disappear now and wait for this to be over. Maybe in the next life I will get it right and I can be someone, in this one... I messed it up from the beginning, that is why no one could love me. It was all because of me, time to take responsibility and pay the price for my sins.

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