Well it is day 4 of the cutdown in meds and I can feel the depression creeping back up. All I want to do is sleep, the tears haven't started yet but the memories are flooding back when I close my eyes. Each one eating away at me and reinforcing the already existing pain. I wish I could make it stop but I know I have to go through this. I never took the easy route in life, it was always hidden from me. I am hoping this is just another one of those dark and scary roads I have to take to get me one step closer to the light again? I have friends who love me and it helps to keep me focused. I won't say this is easy or anywhere within the realm of it but this is my life. Last night I went to a school event, it was harder then I thought. Being around large groups of people scare the heck out of me now, especially with some of the looks I get. Yes guys, I look different then you, but it doesn't make me a horrible person. We stayed about an hour and a half and I had to run for the door because I started to feel like I was clawing at the walls. My son was proud of me though and happy he got to go to the first real event this year at his new school. I am so proud of him, he is such a great young man. It makes me think that how could someone so good come from someone so bad? Maybe they were all wrong about me, maybe there is something good in me and if not... At least I know all the goodness that was in me I gave to my children. We will see what today brings. But for now... sleep!

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