I want to talk about what I am not supposed to talk about, I guess I am not allowed my basic human rights though. What a surprise! They want to take those away from me too! That is about all I will say on that. Papers came, papers read, memories flood back. I am sick of cat and mouse but more I am sick of being the mouse! Day 5... I want to scream. I was trying to sleep today since last night I woke up so many times because of the damn nightmares again! But no... I am not supposed to be asleep. It is bad for me to sleep so much! I am sick of people telling me when to eat, sleep and drink! This is the weekend, I don't need to be up at 6:30 in the morning and why the hell do I need to go shopping when I don't have any money to go shopping. Yeah sounds like a blast, just rub in how I can't afford anything! So yes, as you can tell day 5 is not going so well for me. On the outside I look composed but on the inside... I just want to scream, cry and turn back into the puddle of mush that is me. It has only been 2 or 3 days since the last carve job and already I am craving it more then anything. Last night after reading the arriving papers I wanted so badly to slit my wrists, I had to try and channel it all into something else so instead I sat catatonic in front of my computer pretending to do something. Today I am trying to ignore the urge to just off myself. What good is a human without the right to do anything but hide in a corner of her house out of fear she might go too close to someone or something and end up having to pay out the butt. I have never shown myself to be a violent person, I have never shown myself to be a cruel person or a criminal so why treat me like one? Why treat me like me getting sick was the worst thing in the world and that I am out to harm something I never had any intention of harming? Why must people be so mean? And without any just cause! It is all so petty and childish! It is like being around the schoolyard bully except this bully hides behind others and they allow it, they indulge it. Explain the rules to me before you ask me to do something because I don't even know how your rules work!

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