It's day something of weaning off my meds. I am on day 2 of just 75 mg and surprise! The storm is back and so are the nightmares! It all started with me sitting in bed around 2 am and realizing I was going over in my head what I needed to do at work for today. Except that I had forgotten I didn't have a job, I was fired back in June but my mind still has a hard time remembering that! For an hour or so I sat there going over ideas and numbers in my head. Planning in what order things needed to get done to accomplish the most out of my time. Finally I turned to my husband and said something, I can't remember what but that is when I realized what I was doing! So I curled up in my blanket and tried to sleep. Finally fell asleep somewhere around 3:30 am! The 3 hours I did sleep were not restful at all! My dream/nightmare was so realistic it has left me seeing danger everywhere! I was dreaming that there was a war going on outside. Bombs were dropping all around our house, I could hear them fall, see them, smell them. I felt the shaking that happened everytime one hit the ground. My kids were outside playing, while the guys were fixing up the cars so we could make the trek into the mountains to camp out the war. All behind them you could see mushroom type clouds in the distance. I was inside packing and every once in awhile I would stand at the window watching them hit, trying to find a patern so I knew how close they were getting and how much time we had. My neighbor was loading everything into the back of his boat so we could use it for transport, along with all the things that were important to us. I remember I grabbed my art supplies, and a few other things. My whole life, fit into 3 small bags, all I cared about really was my writing supplies, art stuff, a few photos and other misc. stuff. Everything else I cared about was outside playing and fixing stuff. At one point my ex-co-worker and ex-boss showed up, all I could think is "what the heck are they doing here!?!" The ex-co-worker wanted to make sure we were getting out ok and the ex-boss was pulling stuff out of the boat so we couldn't leave. She just kept saying I was not allowed to leave, I had to stay and protect the area, I had to make sure everything was ok for them to come back to. Everytime I tried to stop her she would push me down and I would fall to the floor, shuffle back up and try again. Finally after what seemed liked forever the guys chased the two of them off and we got back to the business at hand! My oldest son kept telling us that we had to go, we needed to get to the Shoreside Hotel (no idea where that is or why the name even popped into my head) because that is where everyone else was heading! We were supposed to be safe there but the rest of us knew if we were going to live we had to get to the mountains. Just about then my alarm went off and I was stuck for the next hour in a walking dream. I could hear the bombs going off and still see the pictures in my head. So yes... The anxiety is back with a vengence today and all I want to do is go take a sleeping pill and go to bed! Hell if I thought the sleeping pill would work, I would but I know when I get like this all I am going to do is lay in bed, close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping while I am really in this almost catatonic state where my mind just starts thinking and pulling things apart. I will lay there for hours just trying to let my body rest while my mind works at fitting a painful puzzle together. I tried to rest at 8 but got a call that my oldest hurt his thumb in PE so he is now home, had to go pick him up from school so there went my hope for a nap. My youngest is having his issues today too but I think he will be ok. He only has 1 hour to go and school will be out till Monday! Then I can try to rest. I am exhausted and the panic is starting in on me... well it is already here but it is waiting to overwhelm me. I think I am tired from holding it off for the past 3 days so today it is going to get me. I just hope it doesn't last as long this time. I don't have much more room on my stomach for my pretty pictures that ease some of the pain!

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