It's 10:31 pm and Im the only one awake, strange occurance in this house for this time of the night. In the background the TV is on, the quietness would drive me crazy otherwise. It seems these days I can't stand to be alone but when someone is with me sometimes I talk, other times I don't want to say a word, I just want them to be around so I feel a little safer. I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, what I want to do with my life? I don't know if I can ever work in an office again, I would always be scared, worried if I don't give everything I will lose it all again. Somewhere along the way I decided that when I am better and my kids graduate I would like to open a group home. I would be able to help kids like myself, kids who no one wanted or loved. Then maybe they would be able to change their stars and have a decent life. It's funny how deep down I know I won't make it that far I still make plans as if making plans will change my fate. Tonight there is something weird in the air. I have this feeling, it is almost like I am just ready to stop fighting and accept my fate. It is an odd sort of line to walk, that thin line between semi-normal and totally insane. Not the temporary kind of insanity either, the kind where you just become a babbling idiot and you end up locked in a padded cell for the rest of your life. Sometimes that feels easier then this! I am sick of jumping between the wanting to die, and wanting to live. Sick of begging for help and watching my life just slowly fall apart. My disability just ended, I have to go to the doctors to have the forms filled out again but I can't afford it without insurance. I am going to go anyway tomorrow and see what can be done, I am no where near ready for the world and I am almost out of my medication. My husband said that last night while sleeping I kept talking about having to go to work. I hate that my mind hasn't settled on the fact that things have changed. I keep wishing I didn't miss it so much and I wish I could hate the people who did this to me. The reality though is that I miss them, I miss the abuse, the put downs, I miss the feeling of my work being done at the end of the day. I can't make heads or tails of any of this, how can someone miss being abused? How can someone care about the abuser? I keep playing it out night after night, day after day. It makes me feel so alone, so worthless... I let them use and abuse me for so long but it was the norm. Had the incident in March not happened I probably would still be there, still working like a mad woman. For the past 10 years that was my life, now I don't have any direction. It has been 4 months and I still don't know what to do with myself, I turn on my computer and just sit looking at the screen. I can't even bring myself to play my games very often, I just can't find any joy beyond the fleeting moments. Everything is pear shaped now, I wish I understood what I did. I wish they would have faced me and allowed me to get some kind of closure, to plead my case but instead they ran and hid and left me standing in the middle of the desert with nothing. Lies have been told about me, all I ever wanted was to do my job and be able to take pride in it. I wanted to feel like something, and I did but they took that from me. Now I am just left with more unanswered questions, I wonder if they even know the truth. All I wanted was my kids and I to be proud of myself, was it too much to ask for? Everyday I look for those small acts of kindness to keep me going just one more day. Something to give me hope that this is going to get better but each day starts new and I wake up raw. Each day I have to remind myself over and over again, just one more day. Only one more and my nightmare will be over, my stars will change and finally justice will be on my side. But I wake up each day to the same thing, I wake up to the fact that I am now a prisoner to my brain, my body and my old job. I want to leave my house and go for walks but Im scared so I wait till most of the world is asleep before I can breathe the fresh air and feel the wind on my face. Some days I can make it out to my lawn but it is getting less and less. Im lonely, beaten down and nearly destroyed. Why do I keep holding on? How long can I continue to lie to myself and convince myself it will get better? I have been lying to myself for years, always telling myself it isn't so bad. They pay me to treat me this way! They are just having a bad day, week, month, year! If I just be patient then things will change again and I could go back to being happy at work again, it never happened. Now I just lie to myself and tell myself that I will get stronger, that someone will realize I am worth saving. It isn't going to happen, tomorrow isn't going to be better then today. Tomorrow is just another day for someone else to screw me, someone else to push me aside. How much longer, how much more? In the end the only thing I can count on is that the sun will rise and set, the moon will come and go and this will always be my life. The only thing that keeps me alive now is the fear that if I kill myself I will be forced to repeat this life again and I don't want to go through this again. If I just hold on my body will give out and I will finally be free! At the same time though I don't want to die yet, I still want to see what happens next. So I am just going to sip on my tea, lie to myself and wait for my mind to finally decide on what it wants to do. Im exhausted, I am in pain and Im so tired of hurting but I am so used to it now that I don't know how to live without it. Maybe I should try to sleep again, it isn't good for me to be awake alone when my mind wanders like this... I will say though it is kind of ironic.. If I was an animal they would allow me to be put to sleep, no questions asked. As a human if I try to kill myself and fail or they bring me back they lock me up and tell me im bad, then lecture me on how there is all this help for me. BUT for the most part organizations that deal with PTSD are for the military, not people like me. I thought it was called human rights?

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