I learned to be cautious long ago. Scan everything around me, move slowly and know when to give in or jump ship. The problems happen when I forget to do what I was trained to do. I am a complicated but not stupid person, caring or getting caught in the moment are usually my downfalls. I have learned over the years to restrain myself till everything feels right then do what I do best. Sometimes my caution serves me and sometimes it turns against me but more times then not it saves me from being hurt or used in the outside world. I am beginning to think that life really is easier when you lock yourself away from the drama and the pain. What am I really missing by doing that? My world consists of what I want it to when I am in hiding, a lot less stressful. No making friends just to lose them as soon as I start enjoying the company. People come and go in my life like the wind comes and goes through out the year. I miss them, I always will. When I get lonely I think of them but you can never really go back to yesterday to rebuild what has been lost by rejection or hidden secrects. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but hey, like I said... Im not a stupid person. I think some people give themselves less credit then they should though. Intelligence is worth more then any other thing a person can own or crave. Maybe it is low self-esteem that drives the need for having to feel a certain kind of zing in life. That need that always leaves you wanting more and more at the cost of yourself. I will always miss those friends I have lost, the conversations, the playful banter. However I don't chase people who don't want to have any part in my life. Once they have made it clear then that's that. Painful yes! Sad yes! Lonely most definatly BUT I know those feelings well, it's nothing new to me. I just hate not knowing what I did, just more why's to pile on top of the already existing pile. From now on... my home is my cave, my prison, my protection. I have enough Why's already, I really don't wanna have to sift through more ashes to find the core of myself again. Thankfully it is a full moon tonight, they always make me feel better. If it is anything like last night you can almost feel the magic in the air, the beauty of something you will never fully understand. I have a fun long therapy session tonight, a perfect night to try and be creative. Forget the pain, forget the rejection and keep focused on something else. I will let the tears come when they must, but today is not that day. I refuse to feel it and will bury it away till I can. To lost friends that were gone too soon!

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