Alright... I'm in the mood to bitch today! Warning.. This is going to be a long bitch session.

I want to feel special God Damn it! I want to feel wanted and important not just a little side note to people. Why is it me who usually does everything for everyone? Usually I don't mind, it's fun.. But when it becomes expected and they don't bother doing anything nice for me in return it irks the crap out of me! I know you don't give to get but you know.. Sometimes it would be nice to have something done just for me! Some little fun surprise to brighten my day when Im having a bad one. I just want to go to sleep. I want to make the world go away! Yeah.. My normal coping skill. But yeah.. as my title says.. for once he could have chose me.

And what is this fucking quest for perfection! I'm sick of it.. Perfection is weary and I haven't even achieved it yet! I want you to know I blame my mother for this! Her and her stupid theory of "If you can't do it right you may as well not try" or "If you can't finish what you start then you should go crawl into a hole and die." Such a sweet woman huh? I have heard those words since I was born and yes I still wonder why dieting is such an obsession and why when I don't lose anything I get upset and just stop eating all together. Why I stay all night and sit at my computer for 12 hours working on my webpage. Why I went through years of EDNOS that resemble Ana and Mia for so many years of my life and still sometimes do. Why I have to be the best at my work, and at this and that! Why I have to be so god damn proper most of the time and why I forget IM supposed to still have fun. IM ONLY 27 FOR GOD'S SAKE! WHY DO I LIVE LIKE A 50-YEAR-OLD HERMET!?! I go home and lock myself into my room and hide there till I go to work. What kind of life is that? Shouldn't I be partying and having fun or something? Yeah but too bad I can't really drink. I might actually be funny if I was drunk off my ass instead of being a stick in the mud. UGH!

Today sucks! My hair is all wrong, I can't do a thing with it! I want to just go cut it all off and make it lighter but I know I will regret it later so here I sit with my fucked up hair. Then there is my face... My god could anyone have messed up more when making it? I look horrible today! My make up is all wrong, my nose is wrong, my eyes are too damn small and it's SO round! My clothes... Ok I have worn this outfit a million times (ok maybe not that many) but yet for some reason today it just looks horrible! I hate it! I want to go back to wearing clothes where I don't have to see my hideous body showing through them! I need to go shopping again I think because if I have to look at myself one more time IM going to be sick. I have to lose another 60 lbs. so it is time to get STRICT again! Next to no eating and exercise for 2 hours a night! YAY! IM looking forward to life again... NOT! Who cares.. I can lose it in 6 months *coughs* Ok.. I can try! Why do I have to be me? Why can't I be in a size 8-10 and be able to look at myself and go. Ok... I can deal with this. Instead I have to be what I am and look at myself and go "god! Why me?" Kinda throws my argument from the other day out huh? Told you it wouldn't last. I'm so hungry! All I have in front of me is half a sliced cucumber. My meal for the day before going home to a salad (if I am in the mood for it). WOO HOO! :

This morning I called my boyfriend to wake him up but the connection sucked so we didn't really get to say anything and now he isn't around and I probably won't get to talk to him till late in the afternoon and by then my whole day will have been shot so I probably won't enjoy it because when I get pissy I have no patience and he will be playing that game and probably won't even really talk to me. Oh well.. What's one more day right? Then to top it off I didn't get coffee because the stupid store only had liquid creamer and I can't use that crap. At 45 calories a teaspoon who can afford to stick that crap into them? So what did I do? I finally called the corporate headquarters to complain about the store. They have gone so down hill I can't stand it anymore... The food looks horrible, the coffee is seldom made, and the place is just NASTY now.

Ok. I think I said it all now.. I'm going to go work *sticks my hole in the sand that is known as work*