(got these from a page on myspace but I liked them so I stole them)

I've learned-
That you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them.

I've learned-
That you shouldn't be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I've learned-
That two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different.

I've learned-
That it's not what you have in your life but who you have in your life that counts.

I've learned-
That you can do something in an instant that will give you heartache for life.

I've learned-
That you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I've learned-
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I've learned-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I've learned-
That no matter how good a friend is, they're going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that.

I've learned-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you are to learn to forgive yourself.

I've learned-
That it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it.

I've learned-
That no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I've learned-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I've learned-
That just because two people argue, it doesn't mean they don't love each other.

I've learned-
That your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don't even know you.

I've learned-
That the people you care about most in life are taken from you too soon.

I've learned-
That we should hold on to the ones who really care because in the end they'll be the only ones there!!

Somedays i wish I could just escape reality and the life I was given... One day I will be free

 

 

Surprised? – By Diane Taylor

You seem so surprised;
Her body lying there,
Did you not see she was dying?
Or, did you just not really care?

You left her to the beast
That lived inside her head.
Screaming, seething, biting
Did you really want her dead?

Wait! Is that a breath?
Escaping her cold blue lips?
Just your guilt playing tricks,
She is now the living dead.

She walks without a purpose,
A reason, or a rhyme.
You tied her to this place,
Memories; she can not hide.

Throwing feces at her,
You laughed until she cried.
Why look so surprised?
You already murdered her inside.

So smile, just walk away
Pretend you had no part.
Watch for shadows, signs of night,
When she feasts upon your heart!

Release By Diane Taylor

Chained to this life,
A tiger in a cage;
Wanting to break free,
Claw out my captor’s eyes

Locked inside this skin,
I poke, Cut, try to peal it away.
Expose the inner truth,
The ugliness; Laying below the surface.

They teased me with their promises,
Ripping me into shreds;
Only just started! Scared Babies!
No heart to finish me off?

I have the heart,
Not yet the will.
But it calls to me, each day;
Cradling me; Promises it makes.

I wait for it,
Start knocking!
Will I hide, or
Will I answer the call?

Will you say “You don’t know why?”
Will you say “You don’t Understand?”
Did you not hear my screams?
My begging; Crying for you?

Put coins over my eyes,
A rose between my teeth;
Cry for your own sins;
I have found my release!

Well... I somehow made it to 32, Happy Birthday to me! While I can in all honesty say 31 sucked
I am hoping 32 will be a bit kinder on me. During the last year I lost my illusions of life and the part
of myself that was always fighting for a better life. I lost my mind then my job, my self worth and
twice I almost lost my life to the hands of myself. It had seemed like the last ten years of my life 
had gone to waste and was for nothing, I just wanted to give up on everything that was left.
However with those who loved me fighting for me while I couldn't and those who didn't know me
but were willing to show me and my family kindness I was somehow able to make it to see the age
of 32. There is still a long road ahead and I am hoping that I am out of the worst of it. I am trying
to find out who I am and what I am made of. I am learning to stand up for myself while standing up
for what is right at the same time. I am learning that I am worth something and that I do not always
need to put my needs behind everyone elses. Granted I am only LEARNING these things, I didn't say
I was always remembering them.  

So thank you to all of those who were willing to help me and be there for me. To get me through
the hardest parts and to those who on a day to day basis are willing to put up with my crying,
moods  and what I do to myself. Those who have listened to me in my darkest hours, without
question or judgement. Those who love me without question and are showing me each day that I am
worth more then what I believed I was. One day I will repay you, somehow.

And to one very special woman who fought so hard for me, who helped me without reason.
The woman who showed me that I was not alone and that there are others out there who are
still willing to help others without expecting anything in return. You will always be my angel or fairy
Godmother. *chuckles*

Without these people I wouldn't be writing this at all so to all of them, Thank you
and to most... I Love you guys! Roll on 2009!  

And now for the story of my life.....

I don't wanna go through this anymore! the nightmares, pain, fear, backstabbing and lies... Im so sick of it!

* I have decided that solitude is less painful then friendship.
* I am an Oxymoron using Paradox
* I don't like fickle people, but I am a magnet for them.
* I love extra sharp or Irish Cheddar.
* I am a walking contradiction
* I don't like the feeling of loneliness but I find it comforting all the same.
* I love being surrounded by nature, but I hate leaving my house.
* I think some people don't give themselves enough credit, while others have far too much credit to spare.
* I like to believe in the goodness of people but they keep proving me wrong.
* I think sometimes we stay too long in places and not long enough in others.
* I believe fear is stronger then will.
* I believe that you can't even trust yourself.
* I believe that healing is more painful then being injured.
* I believe heaven is around us and hell is the loss of self.
* I have an obsession with needles.
* I love watching my wounds heal; I just wish I didn't feel the need to keep self inflicting them.
* I have faith, I just don’t know in what.
* I believe I am..... Unable to believe in anything.

I have done it again.
One year in every ten
I manage it----

A sort of walking miracle, my skin
Bright as a Nazi lampshade,
My right foot

A paperweight,
My face a featureless, fine
Jew linen.

Peel off the napkin
0 my enemy.
Do I terrify?----

The nose, the eye pits, the full set of teeth?
The sour breath
Will vanish in a day.

Soon, soon the flesh
The grave cave ate will be
At home on me

And I a smiling woman.
I am only thirty.
And like the cat I have nine times to die.

This is Number Three.
What a trash
To annihilate each decade.

What a million filaments.
The peanut-crunching crowd
Shoves in to see

Them unwrap me hand and foot
The big strip tease.
Gentlemen, ladies

These are my hands
My knees.
I may be skin and bone,

Nevertheless, I am the same, identical woman.
The first time it happened I was ten.
It was an accident.

The second time I meant
To last it out and not come back at all.
I rocked shut

As a seashell.
They had to call and call
And pick the worms off me like sticky pearls.

Dying
Is an art, like everything else,
I do it exceptionally well.

I do it so it feels like hell.
I do it so it feels real.
I guess you could say I've a call.

It's easy enough to do it in a cell.
It's easy enough to do it and stay put.
It's the theatrical

Comeback in broad day
To the same place, the same face, the same brute
Amused shout:

'A miracle!'
That knocks me out.
There is a charge

For the eyeing of my scars, there is a charge
For the hearing of my heart----
It really goes.

And there is a charge, a very large charge
For a word or a touch
Or a bit of blood

Or a piece of my hair or my clothes.
So, so, Herr Doktor.
So, Herr Enemy.

I am your opus,
I am your valuable,
The pure gold baby

That melts to a shriek.
I turn and burn.
Do not think I underestimate your great concern.

Ash, ash ---
You poke and stir.
Flesh, bone, there is nothing there----

A cake of soap,
A wedding ring,
A gold filling.

Herr God, Herr Lucifer
Beware
Beware.

Out of the ash
I rise with my red hair
And I eat men like air.

I learned to be cautious long ago. Scan everything around me, move slowly and know when to give in or jump ship. The problems happen when I forget to do what I was trained to do.

I am a complicated but not stupid person, caring or getting caught in the moment are usually my downfalls. I have learned over the years to restrain myself till everything feels right then do what I do best. Sometimes my caution serves me and sometimes it turns against me but more times then not it saves me from being hurt or used in the outside world.

I am beginning to think that life really is easier when you lock yourself away from the drama and the pain. What am I really missing by doing that? My world consists of what I want it to when I am in hiding, a lot less stressful. No making friends just to lose them as soon as I start enjoying the company. People come and go in my life like the wind comes and goes through out the year. I miss them, I always will. When I get lonely I think of them but you can never really go back to yesterday to rebuild what has been lost by rejection or hidden secrects. I like to give people the benefit of the doubt but hey, like I said... Im not a stupid person. I think some people give themselves less credit then they should though.
Intelligence is worth more then any other thing a person can own or crave. Maybe it is low self-esteem that drives the need for having to feel a certain kind of zing in life. That need that always leaves you wanting more and more at the cost of yourself.

I will always miss those friends I have lost, the conversations, the playful banter. However I don't chase people who don't want to have any part in my life. Once they have made it clear then that's that. Painful yes! Sad yes! Lonely most definatly BUT I know those feelings well, it's nothing new to me. I just hate not knowing what I did, just more why's to pile on top of the already existing pile. From now on... my home is my cave, my prison, my protection. I have enough Why's already, I really don't wanna have to sift through more ashes to find the core of myself again.

Thankfully it is a full moon tonight, they always make me feel better. If it is anything like last night you can almost feel the magic in the air, the beauty of something you will never fully understand. I have a fun long therapy session tonight, a perfect night to try and be creative. Forget the pain, forget the rejection and keep focused on something else. I will let the tears come when they must, but today is not that day. I refuse to feel it and will bury it away till I can.

To lost friends that were gone too soon!

Sometimes I wish I could be more then what I feel I am. There is this emptiness aching to be filled, an intense loneliness that eats me alive. It feels as if chunks of me are missing in time, pieces I can never get back. A never ending feeling of being nothing more then an object, a toy. One that just gets put on a shelf when they are bored of playing and they move on to the next best thing. Have I ever been real?

I learned at a young age how to make people feel special, how to make them see what they want to see. How to throw my feelings aside, lock them up and play the game. I am not allowed to have emotions, I am not allowed to feel pain or make a fuss when people try to take advantage of me. It always hurts someone and that isn't a right that I have been given.

There is a part of myself that I keep locked up; sometimes I wonder if I let that aspect be the main aspect, if life would then be easier. There is a part of me that feels nothing, she doesn't care what people do because she knows what she is. Everyone knows what she is, they give her attention. They want to play with her, fuck her, get their fill and disappear. Maybe then the hate thrown at me would be warranted. She doesn't eat or cry, she doesn't hurt or love. She just is what she is. Beauty is all that matters, her own dark beauty is captivating. Men love her, women hate her but she doesn't care. She takes what she needs; she knows how to be the winner at the game. She comes in like a tornado in the dead of night and is gone just as fast. People are left wondering if she was real or just an illusion.

Then there is the me that feels far too much, cries, loves, laughs and hurts beyond anything that most people can imagine. There is a mind begging to be fed, to be heard, to be wanted. I have an intensity that scares people, so it is safer if I don't let them close. No drama, just hide myself away until the dead of night, like a bat. Silently sneaking out to spend some time with the creatures that quietly bathe in the moonlight. Invisible to the naked eye, untouched but severely damaged. Trying to heal her is like trying to drive a big rig through the eye of a needle.

What good is it to be yourself when that isn't what anyone really wants? They want a slut, a bitch, an innocent. Someone they believe they can control. I can play the games but I know what it does to the me that hides behind the walls of her secret garden. Maybe killing her off isn't the worse thing that can happen. Maybe forgetting all that I am is what is best? No one can betray someone who they think doesn't feel. They can't use someone who is using them. You can't play games with a mind you can't find. Can I be like my father? Can I become that cold? Can I become her again? 11 years she has been hidden, 11 years of trying to make peace with the past while others screw with my future. The never ending quest for perfection, does it leave me a courtesan, a whore? Does it matter anymore?

Funny, you look so long for love and acceptance. Then one day you wake up and realize you were looking for something you can never really find. A person who has never been loved doesn't know what it feels like to be loved; just like a person who has never been accepted can't know what it feels like to be accepted. When you have learned to trust no one, only your instincts you should take notice. Maybe that is what kept me alive so long? Once I thought I had a right to be myself, be what I wanted to be; that is when the trouble came.

Things to think about at least.

Pain and hopelessness are the arms that hold me tight when the world throws me away.

Well... I still don't have anything to say. Ok, well I have a load of ranting I would love to do but I am restraining myself at the moment.

Bed sounds good, fresh air sounds good but I don't wanna do sh!t so im gonna sit here and make faces at my screen till something happens. :)

Hmmm... Well I don't really have much to say. Im still around and I am not better but not worse either. Took the boys our Trick or treating for halloween. I got to dress up which was fun, and hanging out with the boys was funny! I have never seen a group of teens before who didn't quite know how to get started getting candy lol! Had to almost push them to a few doors but they ended up with a little bit of candy so it worked out. :) Other then that today was just shopping and.... and... Oh yeah! Played on the computer for a little while but nothing special. More bored today then anything else.

I will try and think of something profound later but for now... zzzzzzzz!!

Happy Halloween!

Well it has been an interesting few days to say the least. The ending of my meds didn't go so well. 2 days ago I started seriously freaking out, the nightmares were back with a vengence and well... My sleeping pills were taken away and I am left with a long gash on my wrist again. Had it not been for my husband and my neighbor bursting in I more then likely would not be here today. I guess it is a good thing, that is the lowest I have been. Or maybe just the most desparate, it was a strange feeling of just not giving a damn about anything but making the pain stop! I just don't understand people anymore, Im sick of the confusion, the craziness and the treatment I get from some of them. I wish there was something I could do to right the wrong that was done. I am trying but not sure what options I have. I am still looking into them though. If I ever plan on getting better I HAVE to make a stand so my 11 year old tells me.

I am having issues with my body again... It is hell bent on putting some weight on and I am hell bent on not letting it! I think I just drank too many fluids yesterday as I was craving cold stuff all night! 6 pounds to take off today... erm.. somehow I don't see food in the near future. Not a big deal as I need to do another 3 day fast to detox my body anyway. It just sucks that it has to be on Halloween when all the best candy comes out hahaha! Speaking of which I better get to the store to buy some.

This morning was kind of fun. I got to put make up on my oldest for his halloween costume. He decided to be the crow. :) I will post pictures of him and my youngest after tonight's fun! I am so not looking forward to having to be out among the masses but it will make them happy so I will try to cope. If I can't I will just wait in the car while they have their fun. Wish me luck!!

It's 10:31 pm and Im the only one awake, strange occurance in this house for this time of the night. In the background the TV is on, the quietness would drive me crazy otherwise. It seems these days I can't stand to be alone but when someone is with me sometimes I talk, other times I don't want to say a word, I just want them to be around so I feel a little safer.

I have been doing a lot of thinking over the past few months, what I want to do with my life? I don't know if I can ever work in an office again, I would always be scared, worried if I don't give everything I will lose it all again. Somewhere along the way I decided that when I am better and my kids graduate I would like to open a group home. I would be able to help kids like myself, kids who no one wanted or loved. Then maybe they would be able to change their stars and have a decent life. It's funny how deep down I know I won't make it that far I still make plans as if making plans will change my fate.

Tonight there is something weird in the air. I have this feeling, it is almost like I am just ready to stop fighting and accept my fate. It is an odd sort of line to walk, that thin line between semi-normal and totally insane. Not the temporary kind of insanity either, the kind where you just become a babbling idiot and you end up locked in a padded cell for the rest of your life. Sometimes that feels easier then this! I am sick of jumping between the wanting to die, and wanting to live. Sick of begging for help and watching my life just slowly fall apart. My disability just ended, I have to go to the doctors to have the forms filled out again but I can't afford it without insurance. I am going to go anyway tomorrow and see what can be done, I am no where near ready for the world and I am almost out of my medication.

My husband said that last night while sleeping I kept talking about having to go to work. I hate that my mind hasn't settled on the fact that things have changed. I keep wishing I didn't miss it so much and I wish I could hate the people who did this to me. The reality though is that I miss them, I miss the abuse, the put downs, I miss the feeling of my work being done at the end of the day. I can't make heads or tails of any of this, how can someone miss being abused? How can someone care about the abuser? I keep playing it out night after night, day after day. It makes me feel so alone, so worthless... I let them use and abuse me for so long but it was the norm. Had the incident in March not happened I probably would still be there, still working like a mad woman. For the past 10 years that was my life, now I don't have any direction. It has been 4 months and I still don't know what to do with myself, I turn on my computer and just sit looking at the screen. I can't even bring myself to play my games very often, I just can't find any joy beyond the fleeting moments. Everything is pear shaped now, I wish I understood what I did. I wish they would have faced me and allowed me to get some kind of closure, to plead my case but instead they ran and hid and left me standing in the middle of the desert with nothing. Lies have been told about me, all I ever wanted was to do my job and be able to take pride in it. I wanted to feel like something, and I did but they took that from me. Now I am just left with more unanswered questions, I wonder if they even know the truth. All I wanted was my kids and I to be proud of myself, was it too much to ask for?

Everyday I look for those small acts of kindness to keep me going just one more day. Something to give me hope that this is going to get better but each day starts new and I wake up raw. Each day I have to remind myself over and over again, just one more day. Only one more and my nightmare will be over, my stars will change and finally justice will be on my side. But I wake up each day to the same thing, I wake up to the fact that I am now a prisoner to my brain, my body and my old job. I want to leave my house and go for walks but Im scared so I wait till most of the world is asleep before I can breathe the fresh air and feel the wind on my face. Some days I can make it out to my lawn but it is getting less and less. Im lonely, beaten down and nearly destroyed. Why do I keep holding on? How long can I continue to lie to myself and convince myself it will get better? I have been lying to myself for years, always telling myself it isn't so bad. They pay me to treat me this way! They are just having a bad day, week, month, year! If I just be patient then things will change again and I could go back to being happy at work again, it never happened. Now I just lie to myself and tell myself that I will get stronger, that someone will realize I am worth saving. It isn't going to happen, tomorrow isn't going to be better then today. Tomorrow is just another day for someone else to screw me, someone else to push me aside. How much longer, how much more?

In the end the only thing I can count on is that the sun will rise and set, the moon will come and go and this will always be my life. The only thing that keeps me alive now is the fear that if I kill myself I will be forced to repeat this life again and I don't want to go through this again. If I just hold on my body will give out and I will finally be free! At the same time though I don't want to die yet, I still want to see what happens next. So I am just going to sip on my tea, lie to myself and wait for my mind to finally decide on what it wants to do.

Im exhausted, I am in pain and Im so tired of hurting but I am so used to it now that I don't know how to live without it. Maybe I should try to sleep again, it isn't good for me to be awake alone when my mind wanders like this...

I will say though it is kind of ironic.. If I was an animal they would allow me to be put to sleep, no questions asked. As a human if I try to kill myself and fail or they bring me back they lock me up and tell me im bad, then lecture me on how there is all this help for me. BUT for the most part organizations that deal with PTSD are for the military, not people like me. I thought it was called human rights?

It's day something of weaning off my meds. I am on day 2 of just 75 mg and surprise! The storm is back and so are the nightmares! It all started with me sitting in bed around 2 am and realizing I was going over in my head what I needed to do at work for today. Except that I had forgotten I didn't have a job, I was fired back in June but my mind still has a hard time remembering that! For an hour or so I sat there going over ideas and numbers in my head. Planning in what order things needed to get done to accomplish the most out of my time. Finally I turned to my husband and said something, I can't remember what but that is when I realized what I was doing! So I curled up in my blanket and tried to sleep. Finally fell asleep somewhere around 3:30 am!

The 3 hours I did sleep were not restful at all! My dream/nightmare was so realistic it has left me seeing danger everywhere! I was dreaming that there was a war going on outside. Bombs were dropping all around our house, I could hear them fall, see them, smell them. I felt the shaking that happened everytime one hit the ground. My kids were outside playing, while the guys were fixing up the cars so we could make the trek into the mountains to camp out the war. All behind them you could see mushroom type clouds in the distance. I was inside packing and every once in awhile I would stand at the window watching them hit, trying to find a patern so I knew how close they were getting and how much time we had. My neighbor was loading everything into the back of his boat so we could use it for transport, along with all the things that were important to us.

I remember I grabbed my art supplies, and a few other things. My whole life, fit into 3 small bags, all I cared about really was my writing supplies, art stuff, a few photos and other misc. stuff. Everything else I cared about was outside playing and fixing stuff. At one point my ex-co-worker and ex-boss showed up, all I could think is "what the heck are they doing here!?!" The ex-co-worker wanted to make sure we were getting out ok and the ex-boss was pulling stuff out of the boat so we couldn't leave. She just kept saying I was not allowed to leave, I had to stay and protect the area, I had to make sure everything was ok for them to come back to. Everytime I tried to stop her she would push me down and I would fall to the floor, shuffle back up and try again. Finally after what seemed liked forever the guys chased the two of them off and we got back to the business at hand!

My oldest son kept telling us that we had to go, we needed to get to the Shoreside Hotel (no idea where that is or why the name even popped into my head) because that is where everyone else was heading! We were supposed to be safe there but the rest of us knew if we were going to live we had to get to the mountains.

Just about then my alarm went off and I was stuck for the next hour in a walking dream. I could hear the bombs going off and still see the pictures in my head. So yes... The anxiety is back with a vengence today and all I want to do is go take a sleeping pill and go to bed! Hell if I thought the sleeping pill would work, I would but I know when I get like this all I am going to do is lay in bed, close my eyes and pretend to be sleeping while I am really in this almost catatonic state where my mind just starts thinking and pulling things apart. I will lay there for hours just trying to let my body rest while my mind works at fitting a painful puzzle together.

I tried to rest at 8 but got a call that my oldest hurt his thumb in PE so he is now home, had to go pick him up from school so there went my hope for a nap. My youngest is having his issues today too but I think he will be ok. He only has 1 hour to go and school will be out till Monday! Then I can try to rest. I am exhausted and the panic is starting in on me... well it is already here but it is waiting to overwhelm me. I think I am tired from holding it off for the past 3 days so today it is going to get me. I just hope it doesn't last as long this time. I don't have much more room on my stomach for my pretty pictures that ease some of the pain!

The pain is getting stronger and stronger. I carved myself again today, I think I am turning it into an art form. Oh wait... it already is! Only difference is my designs don't tend to look as good as the pictures they cut out of people. Oh well...

I am trying to do everything I can to hold on still. I am exhausted but can't sleep again. I had 2 days where I was able to sleep through the night now im back to the nightmares. *sigh* I wish this would stop, it is annoying yet I can't seem to do anything about them.

I have to go to my son's school today, I don't want to. That requires me getting ready and that requires me having energy to do so. I guess I better go take a nap for a bit then huh?

I want to talk about what I am not supposed to talk about, I guess I am not allowed my basic human rights though. What a surprise! They want to take those away from me too! That is about all I will say on that. Papers came, papers read, memories flood back. I am sick of cat and mouse but more I am sick of being the mouse!

Day 5... I want to scream. I was trying to sleep today since last night I woke up so many times because of the damn nightmares again! But no... I am not supposed to be asleep. It is bad for me to sleep so much! I am sick of people telling me when to eat, sleep and drink! This is the weekend, I don't need to be up at 6:30 in the morning and why the hell do I need to go shopping when I don't have any money to go shopping. Yeah sounds like a blast, just rub in how I can't afford anything!

So yes, as you can tell day 5 is not going so well for me. On the outside I look composed but on the inside... I just want to scream, cry and turn back into the puddle of mush that is me. It has only been 2 or 3 days since the last carve job and already I am craving it more then anything. Last night after reading the arriving papers I wanted so badly to slit my wrists, I had to try and channel it all into something else so instead I sat catatonic in front of my computer pretending to do something. Today I am trying to ignore the urge to just off myself. What good is a human without the right to do anything but hide in a corner of her house out of fear she might go too close to someone or something and end up having to pay out the butt. I have never shown myself to be a violent person, I have never shown myself to be a cruel person or a criminal so why treat me like one? Why treat me like me getting sick was the worst thing in the world and that I am out to harm something I never had any intention of harming? Why must people be so mean? And without any just cause! It is all so petty and childish! It is like being around the schoolyard bully except this bully hides behind others and they allow it, they indulge it. Explain the rules to me before you ask me to do something because I don't even know how your rules work!

Well it is day 4 of the cutdown in meds and I can feel the depression creeping back up. All I want to do is sleep, the tears haven't started yet but the memories are flooding back when I close my eyes. Each one eating away at me and reinforcing the already existing pain. I wish I could make it stop but I know I have to go through this. I never took the easy route in life, it was always hidden from me. I am hoping this is just another one of those dark and scary roads I have to take to get me one step closer to the light again? I have friends who love me and it helps to keep me focused. I won't say this is easy or anywhere within the realm of it but this is my life.

Last night I went to a school event, it was harder then I thought. Being around large groups of people scare the heck out of me now, especially with some of the looks I get. Yes guys, I look different then you, but it doesn't make me a horrible person. We stayed about an hour and a half and I had to run for the door because I started to feel like I was clawing at the walls. My son was proud of me though and happy he got to go to the first real event this year at his new school. I am so proud of him, he is such a great young man. It makes me think that how could someone so good come from someone so bad? Maybe they were all wrong about me, maybe there is something good in me and if not... At least I know all the goodness that was in me I gave to my children.

We will see what today brings. But for now... sleep!

Day 3 and I can feel the panic starting in again. I feel like I have butterflies doing the cha cha in my stomach and chest. My heart is pounding, I am on the verge of tears, my head spinning and it is only 8:30 in the morning. Ugh! Going to try and keep myself distracted, I am not ready for the next down swing but I don't know how long I can hold this one at bay. :(

Well today is an interesting day... I am having to get off my anti-depressants soon and have been worried to death about what is going to happen to me. Today is day 2 of going from 225 mg to 150 mg, I can feel the anxiety rising in my chest but I am trying to hold it at bay for just a little while. I don't want the storm to keep churning but at the moment if I have any hopes of making it out of this alive I need to keep some of my wits. Instead of finishing out the 2 weeks off 225 mg I am going to try to wean myself off over the next 2-3 weeks. Do I still need the medication? YES, but I don't have that option so instead of certain death I am going to try to prolong my agony just a little longer. Hopefully then I can get all my ducks in a row and figure out what to do next. One day at a time right? Well screw that! I am going to take it one hour at a time for now, so I may get better, I may get worse but at least I will be getting somewhere!

Oh it just gets better and better... lost my insurance today, no more meds... ummm... shall we start the countdown to total insanity?

2 weeks to go...

I had 2 days of well what is as close to peaceful as I can get but today the nightmares are back and they are so real again. What did I do to deserve this? Why does everyone always tell me how worthless I am? I wish I could get over this, make all this pain go away. I try, each time I wake up I try but I am being tortured to the point where I just want to wrap the darkness around me and not get up or try anymore. I have looked for help, looked for understanding. Hell I have pretty much begged for it but maybe I am not getting the responses because I don't deserve it? Maybe work was right... maybe I am not worth anything. What made me think I had the right to get help? This is all I am good for! I was born to be something but I messed that all up!

Maybe once I come to terms with the fact my job in life is to be a punching bag, scapegoat, nothing then it will be easier. Maybe it was all my fault, maybe if I had just said no when I was 3 I would have been worth something to someone? But I didn't and that was my fault, I let him use me, I let them use me! I could have said no at anytime but I thought it was a game, I thought it was love.

Why would anyone want to keep someone as disgusting as me around once they knew what I really was? I should have kept my mouth shut, and kept my secret, then they might not have fired me. I deserved everything I got! I am weak, dirty, damaged.

Now is the time for fake smiles and fake laughs again. Im done trying, im done fighting. It is only a matter of time. I am too tired, I am just not worth fighting for and the sooner I comes to terms with that the better. SO I am just going to disappear now and wait for this to be over. Maybe in the next life I will get it right and I can be someone, in this one... I messed it up from the beginning, that is why no one could love me. It was all because of me, time to take responsibility and pay the price for my sins.

The nightmares last night were horrible, I can’t remember all of it but it has left me with a sense of fear that hasn’t left me all day. I feel almost catatonic, like there is nothing but pain. My body keeps twitching, tensing up, I can’t eat, I haven’t the will to do anything but sit here and write but I feel too empty to come up with words to explain what this is like.

I went shopping tonight but only because I had to or the kids would have nothing for the week. I used up the last of our supplement money I had saved up, I think I am scared, I am not sure? I have a mixture of panic, on the verge of tears feeling, extreme paranoia; it is almost like I am almost out of air. Maybe I know I am going to die and this is the body’s last struggling breaths, maybe I am afraid I am going to live and this is never going to end or go away. I keep listening to music to try and bring me round but it isn’t working. I am tired but so afraid of falling asleep, I don’t want another night like last night.

There has to be an end to this, there has to be some comfort. How long can a person be expected to live through this. Why can’t I save myself this time?

I don't want to die, I don't want to live. Im lost!

Anyone want to adopt a broken woman? Or am I too old for that now? :P

Got a call yesterday which fired it all up.

I Spent last night dreaming of my old job and woke in a cold sweat and exhausted AGAIN! I swear this is becoming far too normal. This has been happening once or twice a week for awhile now and I can't take it anymore, it is eating me up and making me feel like I am nothing but a fkup! I wish this would all just end. I am sick of the nightmares and memories when I wake, breathe, sleep. I want to just forget everything!